15 Years in the Making: A Story of Thanks

Thanksgiving is tomorrow. Not much of a surprise, huh? After all, you've been reading posts on blogs, Facebook and Twitter, not to mention seeing ads about it on TV, the internet or in the paper. This post is not about my favorite food or 10 Ways to Relieve Thanksgiving Stress. Today, like everyone will tomorrow, I want to talk about what I most thankful for. I know some of you might be thinking, "Oh goodness, I don't care!!" but please read this, because it's something I feel I should share.

In the past, when I've been asked what I'm most thankful for, I've either given the "normal" reply:  friends, family, food. Or I've given the "spiritual" reply: God's love, mercy, freedom to read Scripture and go to Church. Now, none of these are bad things to be thankful for. In fact, we should be because they are all blessings that some people don't have. However, I don't know that I ever put much thought into what I was thankful for. All that has changed this week. *epic music plays*

Sunday morning, my Pastor preached a message about remembering and celebrating God's gift of salvation. It stuck with me because I do not give thanks as I often as I should for what Christ did for me on the cross. In short, Pastor shared that we're to remember the day we trusted Christ because it's the day God led us from enslavement to sin and into His glorious freedom. At the close, he challenged us to share our story, because that is one of the best ways to commemorate that day of salvation. Now, I went back to my first blog post and I realized I briefly shared my story with all of you once before but I'm going to share it again with a little more depth and for a different reason. I want to show you what I'm thankful for and why.

 

On July 1, 1991, my parents received a beautiful baby girl who perfectly completed their family (my three older siblings would disagree, but there were two boys and one girl! Another girl perfected that. Hehehe.) However, as I grew up, it became obvious that I was nowhere near perfect, as no human being is. But I thank God that my parents were Christians who immersed me in the Bible from day one, at home and at Church (every Sunday and every Wednesday). Because of this, I heard the story of Jesus from a young, young age. How He gave up everything He had in heaven to become a helpless baby here on earth who would grow up, living a perfect life (the only human to do so) and dying an excruciating death on the cross in order to pay the price that our sins cost (which is death). When I was seven, I trusted Christ as my personal Savior, believing that His death on the cross was enough to pay for my sin. I remember I had been watching a video on Creation that day and just bawling and my mom praying with me and whatnot. While that's when my journey as a Christian began, it has taken many twists and turns over the years. And I'd really like to share them with you because their part of the story God's writing for me.

Being young, I don't think I understood what it looked like to live a life as a Christian, with God at the center. But around thirteen, I was old enough for our junior high youth group at Church, which was led by my Pastor's son and daughter-in-law. This was when things started becoming real and I could tell that God wanted to work on me and I was good with that, seeking counsel from my leaders and such. Within a couple of years, my youth was deployed and it was really hard because a) he was like my brother and b) he was going into a dangerous situation where he could be killed. But off he went and a new chapter in my Christian journey started. 

Through no one's fault but my own, I entered into a season of spiritual rebellion that would last until I was nineteen. When I look back on those years it breaks my heart because I remember not caring. I didn't care about people or going to Church; I treated my family like dirt and I only went to Church because I was forced to (another thing I'm thankful for). But I especially didn't care about God or what He wanted or how I should live my life to please Him. I cared only about myself, my stuff and looking good to others. This apathy lasted for years and it was exhausting.

At nineteen, I went off to Bible College in the state of Wyoming. I would have gone at eighteen, the fall after I graduated high school, but my mother, who was actively seeking God's will on the matter, decided He wanted me to wait a year and I was cool with that. So my parents drove me to school and we got to registration and I was introduced to my RA who was super bubbly and talkative and I was thinking, "Ok, this won't be too bad. I can probably get along with her." That evening the school had a picnic supper and I sat with RA and we got to talking and for the first time ever, I opened up to someone about all my apathy and how my relationship with God was pretty much non-existent. Now if you know me, you know I am an open person and I can talk your ear off. But if you really know me, you know that I'm not like that when I first meet someone. It generally takes me a bit to talk that much and that deeply, not because I don't trust them, but because I don't want to scare them away. So opening up to my RA who I had known for less than twelve hours was a big deal. But it was definitely a God-thing because over the next two weeks He started to break down the barriers in my heart and I wanted Him to. So began the long process that He and I continue to work on.

Over the next three years I learned so much from personal experiences that I had. I learned what it feels like to be alive and to care about living a life that pleases God. I learned what it meant to know Him, to know His Word, to hear Him speak comfort to my heart when it's breaking. Honestly, I fell in love with my Creator. Like any relationship, though, it was possible to be unfaithful and I would go through stretches where I ignored Him but I would come back. The summers for instance were prime times for that kind of thing because I wasn't at school where the air is just electrified by God and His Word. Summer of 2011 I call the "Summer of Blackness" because it was an awful summer as I tried to adjust to being home. But the summer of 2012 I call "Summer of Growth." I counseled at a camp that summer and God grew me in ways I didn't expect. So the Seasons of Apathy became shorter and shorter. Until the second semester of my senior year.

I don't know if it was because I just wanted to be done or because that year already had been very difficult, but early on in my second semester, I felt the apathy start to set in. I ignored it and kept reading my Bible and being a "good Christian" which helped to some extent. But my Apathy always starts internally, in the deepest, darkest parts of my heart. I started to not care again about pleasing God, but I didn't let it show and I wouldn't talk about it. The way I dealt with it was by isolating myself, knowing that if I wasn't around thriving Christians I could convince myself I was doing ok. I went on like that for months and I graduated and I thought, "Now I'll have time to get things straight with God." But it didn't work out how I anticipated and because life wasn't going how I expected, the Apathy just went into full swing over this summer. Until a couple months ago.

I plugged into a new church and I think the change of scene really opened a door for God to speak to my heart again and He started to do that. The last couple of months have still been rocky because I still fight my natural self every day. But especially the last couple of days, I'm learning what it really means to live a life that pleases God, to submit control to Him and to be open to His working when He needs to change things. It is bliss and contentment and peace to fellowship with my Creator.

I realize that this post was long and seemed to have had nothing whatsoever to do with Thanksgiving, but telling you my story was really the foundation for the purpose of this post. In this post, I wanted to share with you what I'm thankful for this year. This year I am so thankful that God loved me enough to send His Son to die for my sin 2000 years ago. Even though He knew that I would rebel and would love the world more than Him, He still did it. I am thankful for His unconditional love, mercy, grace, forgiveness. I'm thankful that He has power over sin and that He cares about me too much to leave me where I am. I am thankful that I can have a deep, thriving relationship with the God who holds the universe in His hand. 

And I share my story with you so you can maybe appreciate a little bit why all these attributes of God impact me so much; why I sit here with tears running down my cheeks as I praise Him for holding on to me when I let go of Him. 

I share all of this with you because maybe you're a Christian who has been or is in a place where you've chosen to ignore God, not caring about living for Him. I want you to know that no matter how many steps you've taken away from Him it is only one step back because He is standing right there with open arms, ready to receive you back. And you don't have to clean yourself up, you just gotta let Him do that and He will.

I share this especially for those who might read this who haven't trusted Christ. Maybe you've been turned off to Christianity by "all the hypocrites" or because you think it means not having fun or you think you have to be perfect before God will accept you. I want you to see through my story how every believer has a tendency to be hypocritical because we know others struggle but we don't want them to know we do (which is why I was honest here about my struggles). I want you to see through my story that a full life is only found in Christ. You can run after so much and try to fill yourself with everything the world has to offer, but it will only leave you empty. And I want you to see through my story that God loves you even if you've messed up and He sent His only Son to die on a cross so that you wouldn't have to pay the price for your sin. And you don't have to do anything to earn that! All you have to do is trust that His death was enough.

To the Christians reading this, I challenge you to share your story, especially with someone who doesn't know what God has done. It is the best way to celebrate what He did for you.

And to everyone who's asked this year "What are you thankful for?" stop and give thought to what you have to be thankful for.

Happy Thanksgiving.

p.s. Oh and by the way, Saturday, November 30th, marks the 15th anniversary of the beginning of my journey with God. Who knew it would be so epic! And the best part? It ain't done yet ;)